I keep going on about but time really does slip away.
I had a daydream today worrying about an expiry date of some task - then thought that was only 6 months ago. Totally random but it seemed AGES ago.
so then today swept by me didnt do anything - just in my room :(. But yesterday I went over a friends (a friend I didnt have within this 6 months period - actually Im only going to blog about things and people I didnt know/have in the last 6 months)
Now this friend last night - is very nice and invited me over, not too many people so made me feel special, with other really nice people. So theres me with all these other nice people have a nice time. Sounds NICE right? and the werid thing was ... it really was nice. NICE - usually seems like a word for things that were ok - but not as good as hoped for. I use it it in the context that it was better than things would have been had they not been.... NICE. So it was a nice time, with nice people and I have had a bit of nice missing from my life. So heres to life being nice!
On the subject - today I saw a little film about Beatrix Potter and her life story - awww, good story and nice! lol
Ok now anyone reading this is sick of the word nice - but they have to realise - and I am sure they do that life needs to be nice every once in a while because if you appreciate nice then you appreciate... life. Poetry - well in my head it works.
so I blog about a nice time - well thats all that happens in my life, if Im lucky. So now I get onto the boring stuff - I have started my last placement of the summer. I am now nearly finished my non-stop summer to start it all again very very soon. However - its been good. Good in many different ways. I had a great work experience, a not so great one and now (if the first week continues) a very good time in research. That may open up future possibilites...
But also it has made me realise that I am happy with what I am doing , with where I am going... its just not perfect. Work is good - I can do it and I enjoy it. But I need to have something outside of work - and I have little bits of the jigsaw but its not complete yet. I strive to complete it - but I guess that the people dont do jigsaws becuase of the pretty picture - they can see that on the box, its the process of doing it. So I guess that the process of embrassing everything new is my jigsaw. Where will the missing parts be found - ooo now thats an exciting question.
So a random post- telling hardly anyone, hardly anything - but isnt that the beauty of blogging.
till next time....
Sunday 3 August 2008
Saturday 21 June 2008
Another Chapter in my life
For a very long time I havent been happy. Today I am.
This week I have recieved the best reward that could be given to me, recieved aclaimation for it and developed a sense of relief, humility, confidence and immense pride.
I achieved something that I didnt even conceive was possible for me. Looking back over my history I have never got this side of the fence, been the achiever and not the under achiever. I am the first to put myself down when there is no need to, but also too easily lead into arrogance. Its a very werid combo! But now I feel that I can say I worked hard, I achieved and I dam well deserved!
Nothing can beat the sense of pride I feel now of myself which, and this sounds stupid will make me proud of others, and appreciate them more. I had people (ok just one person) screaming at me from the other side of the world, but I also had the respect from a lcturer (that doesnt give respect to anyone!) - and she goes and tells my boss before I had even looked - could put me in good stead for the future.
This whole process has been an immensely happy one becuase it has restored my faith in the way the world works - those who deserve will benefit in the long run. Now I still have a long way to go but this has given me the biggest confidence to go forward.
Now I could understand it if I lived like a hermit all day.... and during exams I did. But this year I havent. So it means that although I have to be careful not to take too much on I can still do things outside the usual and benefit academically.
So manage my time, plan ahead, plan in FUN and go forth and adventure.... It IS worth it!
This week I have recieved the best reward that could be given to me, recieved aclaimation for it and developed a sense of relief, humility, confidence and immense pride.
I achieved something that I didnt even conceive was possible for me. Looking back over my history I have never got this side of the fence, been the achiever and not the under achiever. I am the first to put myself down when there is no need to, but also too easily lead into arrogance. Its a very werid combo! But now I feel that I can say I worked hard, I achieved and I dam well deserved!
Nothing can beat the sense of pride I feel now of myself which, and this sounds stupid will make me proud of others, and appreciate them more. I had people (ok just one person) screaming at me from the other side of the world, but I also had the respect from a lcturer (that doesnt give respect to anyone!) - and she goes and tells my boss before I had even looked - could put me in good stead for the future.
This whole process has been an immensely happy one becuase it has restored my faith in the way the world works - those who deserve will benefit in the long run. Now I still have a long way to go but this has given me the biggest confidence to go forward.
Now I could understand it if I lived like a hermit all day.... and during exams I did. But this year I havent. So it means that although I have to be careful not to take too much on I can still do things outside the usual and benefit academically.
So manage my time, plan ahead, plan in FUN and go forth and adventure.... It IS worth it!
Saturday 31 May 2008
As a 20yr old...
"Twentysomething...."
Im getting old - but a BIIIIIIG thanks to all who wished my hapy birthday. A day trip into London and good old comedy night went down very well! :)
BRING ON THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS!
Im getting old - but a BIIIIIIG thanks to all who wished my hapy birthday. A day trip into London and good old comedy night went down very well! :)
BRING ON THE NEXT TWENTY YEARS!
First Blog of 2008 - end of may of course!
This is going to be the biggest blog I have ever written - well seing as I dont often write blog entrys there are not many to compare with. The last entry was in Dec 07 and my life has changed so much since then - some for better some for worse - but changed.
Lets get the bad stuff out of the way first. Ok so I will leave my accom this year with one person not talking to me, a friend becoming and acquaintance, a silent good bye and potential a friend for the next year too (results depending). To be frank I havent really clicked with my flat. No real reasons - but it takes effort to get on with them and when that effort is not returned there is no point. So - going to make a big effort next year. Why? Becuase RSV is a very lonely place. I found that out in my 2nd term. Work builds up - and social interaction decreases. Ok I know that being social does require effort anf the effort is more than worth it but sometimes you become drained. Drained, depressed and in a spiral of delcine is no overstatement about how I felt halfway through my 2nd term. Going to lectures - not speaking to ANYONE whilst I was there and just walking home. I like to thing that I can get on with people quite easily and I know that I am a social dependant - I need social interaction because without it - I dont like the person I am...
It was bad. It was really bad.
But the fact I am saying it WAS means it is a past tense. Why? Because I have faith in humanity once more - sometimes in places that you dont think to look. The flatmate not speaking to me anymore, the acquaintance - the first two people I told. They were there, they were helpful and I deeply feel sorry for the way things have turned out now - through in my opinion no fault of either of us. I was pushed to the point that I sent an email to my "friends" appoligising for the way I was. I say "friends" because I wasnt treating them as friends and in my F**kd up head I didnt think they were treating me like one... spiralling once more. The replies I got were truely inspirational and I will cherish them. The absense of replies to emails told me a lot too - but not to worry you live and learn. But that was a turning point for me personally, for my friendships and for my friendships of the future because I will not let things get so bad like that again.
then there was .... a four letter acroynym that I will not mention but will just sumarised as B. (ask me for more details if required). B has changed my life, for the better!
I will state my biggest regret first - that I didnt get involved in B before. I should have and will share that regret with people in the hope to get them involved sooner.
Went to a meeting, went to a conference, went to a week conference. Cured my "depression"
The people I met at these places were truely AMAZING. They showed me kindness, acceptance, friendship and inspiration. Maybe I need to be appreciated - we all do at one time or another and if you dont think you are, are you being selfish? arrogant? or just fame mad? Possibly - but a little praise never hurt anyone.
So without giving to much away (ask me another time I will be only too happy to tell you!) I will be involved in B a lot more often and with greater responsibility. Maybe its that I crave - involvement, responsibility, a feeling of importance? Yes that can be a dangerous thing and I need a few people to bring me back to earth but at least now I have found my "calling" lol and will love every minute of it.
So going on from the craving I have to succeed this will be channeled through in the best and most controlled way so that I keep in mind what is truely important. And I will never forget that now - after a time when I did and lost because of it.
So that was (like modern history) the depression, the revolution and now we come to the trials and tribulations.. EXAMS. They come to all of us and some of us should not be reading this and get back to revision with up and coming exams. A small break is a good thing but procrastination is a SIN! Overall I hope to be happy with my results (3 weeks ARGH!) Coming out of every exam there were some things I didnt do right - but some I know I did. I didnt stress during the exam period - a strange calmness but I hope that calmness does not reflect in poor results. HOWEVER what I have gained out of this year cannot be only determined as academic - because even before my results I will have some experience under my belt that I had to fight for - and won. Academic studies can be really hard, challenging but achievable. Other things require different skills and cannot be overcome like academic studies can be. I am jealous of others - when some are jealous of me. Before exams I did learn a little bit about myself and others though. Last minute students crave anyone who has already done work - and that happened to me. Only too happy to help friends, but friends dont use you. You could say that I use friends for social interaction and a sense of well being but that will change. I will value my friends more - I will - because they are the ones who have more of an influence on YOUR life than even you do sometimes.
Next year I will be more busy (with B stuff) and with a much harder year of study ahead! So what do I have to do to get through?
Manage time meticulously - when there is work to be done. Then once done relax completely and enjoy life!
Dont disregard friends - NEVER put work ahead of them. Explain to them my priorites and then move work around friends more than moving friends around work. True friends will understand and appreiciate the effort made.
Make the effort - that means to go that extra mile to help someone, to clean up to satisfy parents or to do that extra work to satsify yourself. If you dont make the effort, no-one else will and nothing comes out of something if no effort is put in (BASIC PHYSICS! :P)
The future....
Simple - unknown.
That is why you have to be willing to change. To treat people with respect, to live your own life and be the one that people around you like to have around... otherwise you won't be around them much longer.
Work hard- it IS worth it. But dont only work hard academically, with people and with non academic commitments.
Enjoy life (maybe start organising the holiday of a lifetime!) - it truely is precious.
To just quote a good friend:
"Some people just fly in and out of your life, but sometimes have a huge effect on the direction you are going. "
And to quote a guest speaker:
Two fisherman are fishing at a lake. One catches lots of big fish but throws them back in. The other is confused by this so goes and asks him why is chucks away the big fish. "Simple", the man said, " I only have a small frying pan so I cannot make use of the big fish even when I catch them"
If the big fish were opportunites (friends/life/job) are you throwing them away because you dont make the effort to buy a bigger frying pan - to broaden your horizens and embrace the things that get hocked on your fishing line....
I'm off to buy a bigger frying pan....
When I return you should see the size fish I will be able to catch!
Lets get the bad stuff out of the way first. Ok so I will leave my accom this year with one person not talking to me, a friend becoming and acquaintance, a silent good bye and potential a friend for the next year too (results depending). To be frank I havent really clicked with my flat. No real reasons - but it takes effort to get on with them and when that effort is not returned there is no point. So - going to make a big effort next year. Why? Becuase RSV is a very lonely place. I found that out in my 2nd term. Work builds up - and social interaction decreases. Ok I know that being social does require effort anf the effort is more than worth it but sometimes you become drained. Drained, depressed and in a spiral of delcine is no overstatement about how I felt halfway through my 2nd term. Going to lectures - not speaking to ANYONE whilst I was there and just walking home. I like to thing that I can get on with people quite easily and I know that I am a social dependant - I need social interaction because without it - I dont like the person I am...
It was bad. It was really bad.
But the fact I am saying it WAS means it is a past tense. Why? Because I have faith in humanity once more - sometimes in places that you dont think to look. The flatmate not speaking to me anymore, the acquaintance - the first two people I told. They were there, they were helpful and I deeply feel sorry for the way things have turned out now - through in my opinion no fault of either of us. I was pushed to the point that I sent an email to my "friends" appoligising for the way I was. I say "friends" because I wasnt treating them as friends and in my F**kd up head I didnt think they were treating me like one... spiralling once more. The replies I got were truely inspirational and I will cherish them. The absense of replies to emails told me a lot too - but not to worry you live and learn. But that was a turning point for me personally, for my friendships and for my friendships of the future because I will not let things get so bad like that again.
then there was .... a four letter acroynym that I will not mention but will just sumarised as B. (ask me for more details if required). B has changed my life, for the better!
I will state my biggest regret first - that I didnt get involved in B before. I should have and will share that regret with people in the hope to get them involved sooner.
Went to a meeting, went to a conference, went to a week conference. Cured my "depression"
The people I met at these places were truely AMAZING. They showed me kindness, acceptance, friendship and inspiration. Maybe I need to be appreciated - we all do at one time or another and if you dont think you are, are you being selfish? arrogant? or just fame mad? Possibly - but a little praise never hurt anyone.
So without giving to much away (ask me another time I will be only too happy to tell you!) I will be involved in B a lot more often and with greater responsibility. Maybe its that I crave - involvement, responsibility, a feeling of importance? Yes that can be a dangerous thing and I need a few people to bring me back to earth but at least now I have found my "calling" lol and will love every minute of it.
So going on from the craving I have to succeed this will be channeled through in the best and most controlled way so that I keep in mind what is truely important. And I will never forget that now - after a time when I did and lost because of it.
So that was (like modern history) the depression, the revolution and now we come to the trials and tribulations.. EXAMS. They come to all of us and some of us should not be reading this and get back to revision with up and coming exams. A small break is a good thing but procrastination is a SIN! Overall I hope to be happy with my results (3 weeks ARGH!) Coming out of every exam there were some things I didnt do right - but some I know I did. I didnt stress during the exam period - a strange calmness but I hope that calmness does not reflect in poor results. HOWEVER what I have gained out of this year cannot be only determined as academic - because even before my results I will have some experience under my belt that I had to fight for - and won. Academic studies can be really hard, challenging but achievable. Other things require different skills and cannot be overcome like academic studies can be. I am jealous of others - when some are jealous of me. Before exams I did learn a little bit about myself and others though. Last minute students crave anyone who has already done work - and that happened to me. Only too happy to help friends, but friends dont use you. You could say that I use friends for social interaction and a sense of well being but that will change. I will value my friends more - I will - because they are the ones who have more of an influence on YOUR life than even you do sometimes.
Next year I will be more busy (with B stuff) and with a much harder year of study ahead! So what do I have to do to get through?
Manage time meticulously - when there is work to be done. Then once done relax completely and enjoy life!
Dont disregard friends - NEVER put work ahead of them. Explain to them my priorites and then move work around friends more than moving friends around work. True friends will understand and appreiciate the effort made.
Make the effort - that means to go that extra mile to help someone, to clean up to satisfy parents or to do that extra work to satsify yourself. If you dont make the effort, no-one else will and nothing comes out of something if no effort is put in (BASIC PHYSICS! :P)
The future....
Simple - unknown.
That is why you have to be willing to change. To treat people with respect, to live your own life and be the one that people around you like to have around... otherwise you won't be around them much longer.
Work hard- it IS worth it. But dont only work hard academically, with people and with non academic commitments.
Enjoy life (maybe start organising the holiday of a lifetime!) - it truely is precious.
To just quote a good friend:
"Some people just fly in and out of your life, but sometimes have a huge effect on the direction you are going. "
And to quote a guest speaker:
Two fisherman are fishing at a lake. One catches lots of big fish but throws them back in. The other is confused by this so goes and asks him why is chucks away the big fish. "Simple", the man said, " I only have a small frying pan so I cannot make use of the big fish even when I catch them"
If the big fish were opportunites (friends/life/job) are you throwing them away because you dont make the effort to buy a bigger frying pan - to broaden your horizens and embrace the things that get hocked on your fishing line....
I'm off to buy a bigger frying pan....
When I return you should see the size fish I will be able to catch!
Sunday 23 December 2007
the days go by, with no time to blog
I know everyone moans about lack of time when at uni, work and play getting in the way but I make use of that excuse.... since october so I found out today.
So basically I havent blogged for ages and I have been working all term. Dont get me wrong I have had every opportunity to chill, relax and do my work but Im not the best at organising my time, and I am the first to complain and moan. This ends now, simple grow up man!
People come into your life and they leave, fact - "deal". Get over it, dust yourself off and meet new people. With the amount of people in this world there will always be new people to meet, enemies to make and friends to cherish. So why have I felt lonely somtimes this year then? When I am at a uni with at least 17,500 students why can I not find someone to go with me out to parties. The honest answer I dont know.
I think Im a likeable chap, always willing to go out and meet new people but I have my own priorities in my life. Fair enough everyone does whether it is religion, family, uni work like me. Doesnt seem to get anyone else down. I can see people ruining their life by not working at uni, but being so happy about it drinking, having fun enjoying life. I enjoy my work, and whilst I pay this much for the chance to get my degree, and kick start my career I find out that I have to pay more the £.... or do I?
How do they do it? Going out all the time, doing lots of activities and doing their work. Personally I dont think they do. Thinking about things I dont think they do. Either their work suffers, they dont continue with the activities or their social life suffers. So why do I think I am special and I do everything? Because I believe I can! Is that so wrong, is that a stupid idea... a bridge to far?
Ok maybe I should re-organise my priorities, but my work is the most important thing. I should probably make sure that I have enough time to do everything. But then sleeping goes, food, friends. Friends? hold on - if I have enough time for everything why do I sit alone in my room. I have time to go out - I just dont. Why? Havent met the right people? Make them the right people - go out have fun, and friendships are formed. This brings me back to it, people come and go - "deal"
So what things must change - wel I dont know but over this xmas hols I will think it over. 2nd year blues - offically over.
A thought to leave with - an example why I need to change,
" You dont compliment anyone"
"But then when I do I really mean it..."
"True but do you not appriciate things/people enough to complement them more, or do the people around you not meet up to your expectations?"
I dont have an answer - I never do
PS.
Whatever you do/celebrate over this holiday period I hope you enjoy it, and that everyone has a Happy New Year!
So basically I havent blogged for ages and I have been working all term. Dont get me wrong I have had every opportunity to chill, relax and do my work but Im not the best at organising my time, and I am the first to complain and moan. This ends now, simple grow up man!
People come into your life and they leave, fact - "deal". Get over it, dust yourself off and meet new people. With the amount of people in this world there will always be new people to meet, enemies to make and friends to cherish. So why have I felt lonely somtimes this year then? When I am at a uni with at least 17,500 students why can I not find someone to go with me out to parties. The honest answer I dont know.
I think Im a likeable chap, always willing to go out and meet new people but I have my own priorities in my life. Fair enough everyone does whether it is religion, family, uni work like me. Doesnt seem to get anyone else down. I can see people ruining their life by not working at uni, but being so happy about it drinking, having fun enjoying life. I enjoy my work, and whilst I pay this much for the chance to get my degree, and kick start my career I find out that I have to pay more the £.... or do I?
How do they do it? Going out all the time, doing lots of activities and doing their work. Personally I dont think they do. Thinking about things I dont think they do. Either their work suffers, they dont continue with the activities or their social life suffers. So why do I think I am special and I do everything? Because I believe I can! Is that so wrong, is that a stupid idea... a bridge to far?
Ok maybe I should re-organise my priorities, but my work is the most important thing. I should probably make sure that I have enough time to do everything. But then sleeping goes, food, friends. Friends? hold on - if I have enough time for everything why do I sit alone in my room. I have time to go out - I just dont. Why? Havent met the right people? Make them the right people - go out have fun, and friendships are formed. This brings me back to it, people come and go - "deal"
So what things must change - wel I dont know but over this xmas hols I will think it over. 2nd year blues - offically over.
A thought to leave with - an example why I need to change,
" You dont compliment anyone"
"But then when I do I really mean it..."
"True but do you not appriciate things/people enough to complement them more, or do the people around you not meet up to your expectations?"
I dont have an answer - I never do
PS.
Whatever you do/celebrate over this holiday period I hope you enjoy it, and that everyone has a Happy New Year!
Wednesday 24 October 2007
... how does she do that?
.... and after that post she is still asleep but can still make me happy when I see her comment for previous post.
Ok so Im blur when I log in but I thought it was sweet enough to post ok??!!?!
:P
Ok so Im blur when I log in but I thought it was sweet enough to post ok??!!?!
:P
Yeah ok so I am going to blog and not mention rugby.... well I have to be a good sport and say congrats to SA - but the boys did well too . Go on dads army!
But I thought that if I ever had time to blog this would be it @ 1am after struggling with work for about 4 hours. Now I can understand how the malaysian people do it, just whenever they think of somthing and dont want to forget it, and someone out there COULD be remotely interested.
I read something recently that disturbed me. I guess that you realise things about yourself when your actions affect people in ways that you couldnt ever imagine. I think I know what the author was trying to express, but didnt expect that particular result. I know that hurting anyone can affect people in many ways. She tried to not hurt me, but she ended up hurting herself. I didnt want to hurt myself anymore, I want to make things better, for both of us I thought and I hurt her. It just goes to show that you can never predict and account for everything. I just think that in the piece I read the word selfish has never been more inappropriately used. She is definatly not that, and it is with great regret than any of my actions lead to her thinking that way.
And typing this I cant help but be thankful for the delete buton. You know how many times the paragraph has been re-written!? About the same times as I started by calculations again, but with much less progress - at least I know I wil finish this blog.
As the work mounts up I start to think how I will lead my life. Will I be the same person as last year - more dedicated, more lonesome, more friendly, more unlucky, more lucky, leading my own destiny or living with regret. If you think about it, as fast as my hands type this life goes by. Time is the one thing that when you need you will never have and it must be made for life's special treats - but only for the deserving - do I deserve?
... starting to like blogging - you are forced to think about things - .... I can see why you do it la!
..as a song "Would you be happier..." by the Corrs comes on I ask myself what will make me happier, or more importantly what makes me happy? It is a question that I have asked myself and although there have been moments in my life when I felt I couldnt be happier - even at random times (4am) I have struggled to answer. But then I guess isnt that life - a struggle... but on the course for happiness? Maybe - I'm jealous to people who are happy. I find it at times, but then as quick as it comes it goes again. I need it in a dosage form that is portable, convienent and patient friendly.... well this couldnt be my blog without a PHARMACY reference could there!
I wonder if there is a size limit on these blog things... all I know is that Ive been going through a few decent songs - and actually LISTENING to the words. WOW - now thats something I could be/ I might already be a good listener, but then who listens to the good listener. Is the listener allowed to have problems, no because he is there to listen not to talk and anyway who would listen?
Well I think that Im blogged out for now - but I will be doing this a bit more often.
And I want to say that it doesnt matter what I call her.... I do have someone to listen and I hope she gets the time,happiness and everything else she deserves.
But I thought that if I ever had time to blog this would be it @ 1am after struggling with work for about 4 hours. Now I can understand how the malaysian people do it, just whenever they think of somthing and dont want to forget it, and someone out there COULD be remotely interested.
I read something recently that disturbed me. I guess that you realise things about yourself when your actions affect people in ways that you couldnt ever imagine. I think I know what the author was trying to express, but didnt expect that particular result. I know that hurting anyone can affect people in many ways. She tried to not hurt me, but she ended up hurting herself. I didnt want to hurt myself anymore, I want to make things better, for both of us I thought and I hurt her. It just goes to show that you can never predict and account for everything. I just think that in the piece I read the word selfish has never been more inappropriately used. She is definatly not that, and it is with great regret than any of my actions lead to her thinking that way.
And typing this I cant help but be thankful for the delete buton. You know how many times the paragraph has been re-written!? About the same times as I started by calculations again, but with much less progress - at least I know I wil finish this blog.
As the work mounts up I start to think how I will lead my life. Will I be the same person as last year - more dedicated, more lonesome, more friendly, more unlucky, more lucky, leading my own destiny or living with regret. If you think about it, as fast as my hands type this life goes by. Time is the one thing that when you need you will never have and it must be made for life's special treats - but only for the deserving - do I deserve?
... starting to like blogging - you are forced to think about things - .... I can see why you do it la!
..as a song "Would you be happier..." by the Corrs comes on I ask myself what will make me happier, or more importantly what makes me happy? It is a question that I have asked myself and although there have been moments in my life when I felt I couldnt be happier - even at random times (4am) I have struggled to answer. But then I guess isnt that life - a struggle... but on the course for happiness? Maybe - I'm jealous to people who are happy. I find it at times, but then as quick as it comes it goes again. I need it in a dosage form that is portable, convienent and patient friendly.... well this couldnt be my blog without a PHARMACY reference could there!
I wonder if there is a size limit on these blog things... all I know is that Ive been going through a few decent songs - and actually LISTENING to the words. WOW - now thats something I could be/ I might already be a good listener, but then who listens to the good listener. Is the listener allowed to have problems, no because he is there to listen not to talk and anyway who would listen?
Well I think that Im blogged out for now - but I will be doing this a bit more often.
And I want to say that it doesnt matter what I call her.... I do have someone to listen and I hope she gets the time,happiness and everything else she deserves.
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